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Unable to let go of the past

You may be wondering why it is so hard for you to let go of the past? You are unable to move on because something that happened in the past still haunts you today. It plays in your mind over and over again; especially when triggered. I am sure it feels burdensome to hold on to such baggage, and you are truly trying to let it go.

For those who are trying to help you to let go, let me start off by saying that sometimes the person is not coming from a place of nagging and are genuinely trying to help. There is an area they know can be improved on and trying to guide you in that direction. It may not be perceived well because of how they are approaching it or our ego, but to understand if a person is meaning well or being negative requires openness and good listening skills.

Having said that, this is not what this article is focused on. I’m talking about those who are keeping score out of aggressive competitiveness, which can destroy a relationship because it simply does not work. The problem that is going on in unhealthy relationships is when your partner keeps focusing on the negative.

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In therapy or when a person is trying to get out how they feel, you will hear a list of all the things that irritated them about their partner or what their partner did that was wrong and maybe insignificant or hurtful to hear. So, the person who is, the target will often feel like they are the perpetual bad guy who just wishes for their loved one to let go of the past. So, how do you know if score-keeping is destroying your relationship? When you start to see more of the bad in your relationship than the good like you used to.

Why do people develop habits of keeping score in the first place since it is such negative behavior? Destructive communication happens when a person starts pointing out things they wish would change or stating their difference in opinion, but it often escalates by trying to prove their “rightness.” It is a passive-aggressive dig and like quicksand, the further down you slide into it, the deeper you sink.

So, what can you do to help alleviate this problem? The antidote for the “not enough” mindset or keeping score is:

Cut out the criticisms

If you are asking yourself what if they keep criticizing me? Then resist the urge to criticize back. It may seem counter-intuitive to do that since our first instinct is to self-protect, but own up to our shortcomings. The more you accept responsibility, the less likely your partner will feel the need to keep pointing out what you have already acknowledged.

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Shift the negative scorekeeping to positive ones

It is truly amazing how much relationships can change when the energy shifts to a more loving place with gratitude.

Give

Give because you know the task needs to be done. You are capable of doing it and don’t focus so much on what you are giving that your partner is not. Then we are going back into what we are trying to work ourselves out of score-keeping. Give because it is the right thing to do and is something that should be done whole-heartedly without the intention of getting anything back out of it. I cannot emphasize that enough. When you two are both in a loving and giving relationship, it feels good. When you feel good, they will feel good. Naturally, the scorekeeping will settle down, believe it or not, and taper off.

Decide

If the relationship continues to stay negative and you are still being poorly mistreated, then it is time to take a closer look into your relationship to see if it requires help with counseling or a re-evaluation on whether staying is a good idea. Hopefully, ongoing toxicity in a relationship can be mediated, but if not, then it may be time to move on.

If you want more information about why it is hard to let go, please read How to Let Go of the Past – Train your mind to let sad experiences slip by Hara Estroff Marano on Psychology Today.

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